The fear and longing of letting go
Nobody can ‘fall for you’ if they are gripping onto something. Anything! In this blog I am going to touch upon something which is still rather taboo. If used in a respectful and right way, physical domination can be used as a gateway to hornier and more fulfilling sex. Physical domination as a tool to let go. To fall and be caught! I finish the blog with some tips in physically constraining your lover in order to bring about higher states of arousal.
What do I mean by physical domination?
It happens quite regularly that when I have sex with a woman, she wants me to constrain her in some way. Whether this be pinning her down on the mattress, holding her arms behind her back, choking her (yes, in my experience most women like to be choked a little during sex), or even tying her up.
During these moments of domination I feel and see how she relaxes more into her feminine, lets go of control and as a result opens up her body to my energy.
Over the years in my gigolo sessions I have discovered that whilst many fantasize about ‘letting go’ that this fantasy often remains unrealized. In actuality (due to fear and/or lack of trust) most women struggle to relinquish emotional control to their lover.
Studies show that women most desperately long to ‘let go of all control’ but lack confidence in their lovers ability to be strong and present enough to take care of them if they do release the squeeze on their emotions.
In this space where women find it extremely difficult to surrender to their lover emotionally, physical domination can aide in creating this feeling of release. In my gigolo sessions, I have literally wrestled with more than a few strong women (funny enough most of them top notch business women) because they wanted to feel that I was physically stronger than they were, after which they could let go with a few big sighs.
Rape and gangbangs….?*
A team of researchers lead by Dr Jenny Bivona, based at the University of North Texas found in their study, entitled Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Empirical Evaluation of the Major Explanations that overall, 62% of their participants reported having a rape fantasy of some type. Previous studies suggest motivations range from an absence of responsibility or judgement in a wild act of being savaged.
This study challenged this prevailing idea and argued the opposite, that instead of being driven by repressed sexuality, this supposition is rape fantasies derive from a generally open, tolerant and guilt-free attitude toward sex.
Many women secretly or not so secretly fantasize about being the subject of unfiltered and uncensored desire by one or more men, about being ravaged by them, where their ‘resistance’ is futile and all they can do is to surrender to the penetrating masculine force focused on them, provided this all happens in a safe and consensual setting.
In a western world where most of the guys are pleasers, trying to guess what their woman wants instead of doing what feels right for (and horny to) them, these kinds of fantasies become all the more attractive.
Getting out of the head
How much can I trust him? How good does he see me? Does he really know what is going on in my head? Will he stay present with me when I need him, comfort me if I get scared, hold me when I need love? Can I expose myself, my emotions, my horniness, without being shamed or taken advantage of?
These are all examples of questions that can zap through a woman's mind and hold her body hostage, when she is trying to decide whether or not it is safe to let go. I put words to it here, but in reality it is not so much a verbal thing but a feeling in the body: can I relax a little more, do I wait and see or do I close down a little (or a lot!).
I used to think that the more dominant a woman was, the more physically constrained she wanted to be to help her to let go. That is not the case however. In my experience, it all has to do with how safe she feels.
I have encountered very dominant powerhouse women that could go in total surrender with the snap of my fingers or a few sweet words whispered in their ears. I have also met very fragile, submissive women that could only let go if I treated them very roughly, tying them up and blindfolding them.
Be present and create a safe space
My job is to stay fully present with a woman throughout this whole process (as long the sexual interaction takes). She wants to feel that I am there for her, fully present with her, so that she can safely let go of control, get out of her head and into her body, surrender to her horniness and bodily sensations. She will only do this when she feels certain enough that I am there to - as some women have described it to me - “catch me if I fall”.
In my tantra community we say that the masculine needs to create a safe container in which the woman can safely expose herself and surrender. You must create a safe space.
If you want to play these things out with your lover, make sure to have a few code words in place so that at any time she can stop whatever it is you are doing to her immediately; this is the kind of control she needs to still feel safe.
Does she trust herself?
In the end, a woman intuits pretty quickly when she is with a man if he is considered ‘safe’ and present enough. But because of past experiences with guys, cultural, societal and even parental conditioning, taboos and feelings of shame, it can still be pretty darn difficult to let go and trust that everything will be allright.
Many women think that letting go of control and surrendering to my masculine lead is a passive thing. They can feel guilty about ‘not doing anything’, ‘lying still like a dead fish’, or they feel the moral need to ‘have to do something back’.
I tell them that surrendering and letting go of control is as much a challenge as it is for a man to take the lead and create the safe container for a woman in which she can safely surrender.
Both sides of the coin are necessary, active roles if you want to go deep and have great sex. And both roles, the masculine as well as the feminine, require that you learn to trust yourself more and more to relax in the moment to whatever happens.
A few tips if you want to exercise physical constraining your lover:
If you would like to experiment with physical restraining your lover, make sure you know what you are doing. If you don’t know if she will like it, you should talk about it beforehand.
Start slow in the beginning. Especially if you are new to this and for the first time sexual with someone, you want to be careful as you don’t know what possible emotional bagage your lover has when it comes to this.
If you want to try out bondage, seek out professional advice first, and always make sure you have a pair of scissors (or even better: a so-called rescue hook) nearby to cut your lover loose quickly if necessary.
Try to maintain eye contact with her as much as possible (if she looks away or closes her eyes for a second, that is fine, but be there for her when she wants to re-establish eye contact with you), see how her body reacts to what you do, watch her breathing, listen to the sounds she makes. These are all telltale signs if she likes what you are doing or not.
As always, stay fully present with her.
Below are a few things you may want to try out:
- start with putting her arms above her head on the mattress, and stretch them gently by horizontally pulling her hands away from her head; then hold them there while you remain fully present with her.
- embrace her tightly while pressing her arms next to her body
- Firmly enclose the back of her neck with one hand
- Put your hands on both her shoulders and pin her against the mattress
- (when she is on her belly or on her knees facing the other way:) fold her arms behind her back, and hold her at the wrists.
- Carefully enclose her throat with your hand, pressing on the muscles by the side of her throat, and never on the larynx. Stay present with her and maintain eye contact the whole time. Be very careful with this however, especially if you or your lover don't have any experience with choking yet (look it up on the internet if you really want to be sure on how to do this in a safe way).
Let me know if you have other tips on how to help your lover to surrender to you in a safe and consensual way by using physical constraint. Or let me know if and how you would like to be restrained? Or perhaps you don’t like it at all? What is your preferred cup of tea?
* This article and mentioned study in no way condones or tries to justify rape, which remains a violent and reprehensible crime no matter what the research on sexual fantasy of either gender might turn up. Fantasy is a deeply problematic area for many people and for psychiatry and psychology. Ultimate Lovers emplore our community to take action against any such acts and be proactive in supporting local initiatives which support survivors.