While coaching couples, it happens frequently that the woman complains that her man is not ‘stepping into his masculine’ or ’not taking the lead’. She ‘can’t surrender to him sexually’, she ‘is not feeling him’, she wants to ‘let go’, but she doesn’t trust him. The man, on the other hand, complains that ‘she keeps telling me what to do’, ‘gives me that eye’, ‘I can’t do it right anyway’.In short, both partners long for the sexual chemistry that they experienced when they just met, and blame the other that they can’t get back to that level of passion.

Of course, blaming the other does not bring back the ecstasy either. Recently I had one woman asking me what she could do to make her man understand that he is actually in his feminine, and that he needs to get out of ‘her seat’, claim his balls, so she can surrender to him.

And that is, taking the women’s perspective, so extremely frustrating about all this. There is not so much you can ‘do’ about it. If anything, taking action or telling your man what to do, has the exact opposite effect. This will merely establish the woman’s dominant role in the matter and make it very hard for the man to step up. Telling him what to do often comes down to emasculating him.

Letting go of control is very challenging for most people, it doesn’t matter if you are a woman or a man. But if you as a woman long to taste all the different flavours of your own feminine - and I can tell you this is also what your man wants -you will need to get good at it during sex. If you want your man to step up in his masculine, be the ultimate lover (pun intended), and lead you to ecstatic heights you would not be able to reach alone by yourself, you need to start trusting him. And that is a hard thing to do.

Most men out there really REALLY want to do it RIGHT! If only they are given the chance. It can be hard to accept that your guy is doing the best he can in the bedroom, which may not be perfect, which may not be how you want it. But if you are not going to give him the chance to try to do it right, he will never become that great lover you secretly crave for.

Giving your man this chance as a woman is- here it comes - really fucking difficult! Letting go of control and trusting a man who hasn’t fully stepped into his masculine is for a woman one of the scariest things to do. But if you want him to be a great lover, and want to let go completely and discover your feminine for real, you need to trust him - perhaps more than you think he deserves at this point - to do his best to learn. If you don’t give him that little bit of trust, it is going to be near impossible for him to take the lead. The more space you give your man, the more you are able to let go of control, the easier it is for your man to step up.

And yes he is going to fuck up, be to rough or too gentle, become insecure, do something stupid. Just as you are going to fuck up by stepping back in, taking back control or telling him what to do when his struggle becomes too painful for you to bear. When this happens, it is good to remind you of the following things:

  1. it is really, really, REALLY scary to be the one taking the lead in the bedroom, as there is a big fear to do something wrong and to be rejected because of this. All you need to do to reduce your man’s self esteem and change him into a little boy that is totally lost what to do is one look, one word, one movement. For both your and your man’s pleasure, try not to do that.
  2. You and your man are in this together and learning new skills - especially in the bedroom - takes time and needs compassion for each other’s challenges.
  3. For God’s sake, do NOT take yourselves too seriously! Laugh about it, share about your challenges (without complaining what the other should or should not do), and try again.

That is just how it is. It really takes two to tango. I can’t tell you how often I have women demand their partners to step up, not realising that they themselves weren’t able to let go even a little bit of the reigns. And thereby effectively sabotaging the thing they claimed they want most.

Watch this video in which I talk about this and what a man can do to practice taking the lead in the bedroom and why it helps immensely if he gets to know his feminine better. Yes, guys, you actually get more masculine when you get more in touch with your feminine :). And looking her in the eyes will definitely help as well...