Men and women are different. Their genetics are different. Even as embryos, men and women are already exposed to different hormones. As children, teenagers and adults, men and women are treated differently. Societal expectations influence men and women differently. All these factors contribute to the difference between the masculine and feminine sexual core.
The masculine and the feminine
Most men have a masculine sexual core, and most women have a feminine sexual core. Sexually speaking, the masculine takes charge and leads the feminine, while the feminine surrenders and follows the masculine. Both are active roles, and equally important. You could say that the feminine flows freely in the form that the masculine provides, like the flow of water follows the structure of a riverbank. During sex, one partner must be more feminine and flow like water, and the other partner must be more masculine, and provide the structure and the direction of this energetic flow. This will create the strongest attraction, or polarity, between the man and the woman, and is the foundation for great sex.*
The deepest sexual desire for a woman with a feminine sexual core is to surrender to a man with a masculine sexual core. However, she will only surrender to this man if she feels safe enough to let go of control and expose herself in all her unfiltered emotions and longings.
A woman craves your undivided attention when you are having sex. We call this your presence. Being fully present with her means you are living in the here and now. You are not lost in thoughts or emotions about the future or the past. You are not worrying or thinking about what to do next. You are not lost in the sensations of your body or cock. Living in the here and now means that you are aware of everything that is happening around you in that moment. Both your mind and body are present in the now, and you can overview, assess and adapt to the situation around you.
Women do not surrender to your cock or sexual skills, your humor, your muscles or your charming behavior. A woman wants to be – first and foremost – penetrated by your presence. She wants to feel that you see her, that you are fully there for her, that you got her when she lets go of control. If you are not present, she will never be able to truly trust your guidance and feel safe enough to surrender to you, no matter how much of a top sexual athlete you are.
Be fully aware in the here and now
Learning to become ever more present is an ongoing process. Of course I am talking about presence in a sexual context here, but it goes much further than that. You can practice your presence throughout the day, in any given circumstance. One of the big opponents of your capacity to be present are the expectations you have about how things are supposed to happen in your life. When it turns out that the reality is in fact very different from what we were expecting, our ability to let go of our expectations and to not be attached to them will decide how present we can be in any given situation. If we cannot surrender to the fact that we have been dealt different cards than what we expected, thereby basically denying what reality is showing us, we can get stuck in our heads or lost in our emotions (disappointment, denial, anger, insecurity), which means we are not living in the moment anymore, not listening to what our 5 senses are telling us what is happening right now.
If you translate this to the sexual plane - which is of course a microcosmos of everything life has to offer, in very intense colours - I would advise you to train yourself to see every sexual interaction as new and fresh. Be open to anything that can happen, beautiful as well as painful things. Accept that, if you drop all your stories - which are expectations in disguise - you simply cannot know what is going to happen. Only in the mind you can relive a certain experience. The mind is a masterful copycat. Understand that your expectations are influenced by past experiences and emotions, your self-image, your notion about the woman you are going to have sex with and external sources of information.
Listen to your senses
If your expectations are not met with the reality of the current experience, you may feel disappointed, hurt, angry or ashamed. When this happens, just acknowledge it, and then take the focus of yourself and your feelings by focusing on what is happening around you in that very moment. Get curious about what your senses are telling you. Smell the scent of her hair. Taste the skin of her neck with your tongue. Firmly knead her bum. Admire the curves of her hips. Hear her sighs and moans. Keep listening to your senses and learn to trust your impulses and intuition. Life - and sex - is full of surprises. If the surprises are not what you were hoping for, just give yourself an inner smile, don't take your possibly unpleasant feelings too serious (they won't kill you, or perhaps a little part of your self-image, but in most cases I see that as a positive thing), breathe and sigh deeply, focus on your senses again, don't listen to your storytelling mind, and get back to reality.
What's your view on the matter?
I would love to hear how you view things. What is your experience with the masculine and the feminine, and do you recognize both sides in you? What does 'presence' mean to you? How successful are you in dropping all your stories during sex, and just go with what you senses are telling you in the moment? Leave a comment below!
* "Masculine" and "feminine" are, in the end, just concepts we use to make (other) abstract concepts like polarity/chemistry more clear. In this article, I talk about man in their masculine, and women in their feminine roles. But in sex, as in life, it is also important that we nurture our other side as well. It is important for both men and women to have a healthy relationship with all characteristics we attribute to both the masculine as well as the feminine.