One of the basic premises for good sex, and for creating a good polarity between you and a woman is that you – just as you want from her – become vulnerable. Being vulnerable has nothing to do with being weak. It is rather the opposite. Showing your vulnerability is an act of strength.

Becoming vulnerable – or letting down your defenses - is always an act of trust, for both men and women. Becoming vulnerable feels like you have to take a risk, and only with time and practice will you see that there is nothing to fear when you are vulnerable, that you will be divinely protected when you show yourself in all your facets without holding back.

Masculine* vulnerability

Vulnerability means a lot of different things to different people, and depends on for example the cultural and social framework and the situation one finds himself in, and the emotional state someone is in. The kind of vulnerability I am talking about here is what I would call masculine vulnerability - whereby masculine refers to the masculine gift of ‘directive penetration’ as opposed to the feminine gift of ‘receptive surrender’. People familiar with the works of tantra teacher David Deida will know what this means. If this concept is new to you, please understand that every person, whether female, male or transgender, has a masculine and a feminine part. What makes sex work (and the world turn around for that matter) is the attraction between the two poles, the feminine on the one side and the masculine on the other. The stronger the difference between the two, also called polarity, the stronger the attraction and the deeper the sexual play can become.

Daring to fail

To get back to masculine vulnerability. What exactly do I mean by that? Vulnerability for the feminine is all about surrendering to and trusting the guidance of the masculine, of relinquishing control and relaxing/opening up the body. Vulnerability for the masculine is surrendering of a different category. Masculine vulnerability during the sexual play means doing what feels right to you. It means allowing yourself to do what makes you horny. It means doing that which helps your woman to sexually open up a little more every next moment. It means doing anything no matter how strange, dark, horny or even funny to get her into her body and out of her head (set boundaries before and make sure she feels safe however). It doesn’t mean pleasing her or doing what you think she wants you to do.

Masculine vulnerability requires you to venture outside of your comfort zone. You surrender to your fears of getting hurt, of being rejected, of receiving a no, of making mistakes. It is about daring to fail. It is about dropping the story line that is playing in your head, and exposing yourself in the moment. It is about not being too invested in how she will react when you try out something new, and not taking it personal when she doesn’t like what you are doing. Being vulnerable this way is as scary to most of us men as it is scary to most women to sexually surrender to a man. And the more confident you get in showing this kind of vulnerability, the easier it will be for a woman to surrender to you.

Showing the real you

By showing your vulnerability, you show your real face behind the mask. It takes guts to do so, but you have to. If you cannot be vulnerable with your woman, it will be more difficult for her to become vulnerable with you. Her surrender to your masculine is one of the deepest forms of vulnerability there is. If your woman finds it very difficult to let go of control, it may well even be impossible for her to surrender to you, if you first don’t show her that you are vulnerable with her as well.

To wrap it up, some examples of masculine vulnerability:

  • Sharing your insecurities when you get stuck in your head or don’t know what to do any more
  • Trying out new things (fucktalking, role play, embracing your dark side, domination)
  • Allowing yourself to do what you feel like doing with her (follow your horniness)
  • Giving her sexual instructions (e.g. telling her how to touch herself, or what you want her to do with you)
  • Acknowledging your mistakes
  • Expressing your boundaries
  • Being totally honest.

* I talk about "masculine" here, and attribute this characteristic to a man. But "masculine" as well as "feminine" are just concepts and by no means restricted to or interchangeable with "man" and "woman". I explain these concepts in more detail here.