In this blog post I outline 3 reasons why sharing your sexual kinks and fantasies with your lover is a vital component in bringing about deeper connections and ultimately hornier, more passionate sex for you and your lover.
We have all heard the old saying ‘different strokes for different folks’. Our ability to choose is an integral part of the individual and our right to self expression. Imagine how boring the world would be if we all looked and acted the very same? If everyone dressed, ate and spoke the very same? I shudder at the thought! Variety is the spice of life, as they say. And yet while we might go all risky on the Sunday dinner adding a whole host of spices from around the world to a new curry because it tickles our fancy, how many of us will then proceed to live out our deepest most secret sexual fantasy on the dinner table afterwards? Or on the couch dressed as an astronaut?
Wherever, however, that is up to your personal preference. And trust me we all have our personal sexual kinks and fetishes. Perhaps your lover smacked you on your bum, and it sparked your desire to be flogged. Or maybe massaging someone’s feet turns you on big time. You may get off on big ones, small ones, lanky ones or tall ones. Or hairy ones. Or twos or threes. Teachers, firemen on their knees, or french maids begging please! Or being tied up. Or massaged by two pairs of breasts. Caressed by a feather or whipped with leather? Perhaps you have a voyeur hiding inside you because as a nine year old kid you really enjoyed those weird feelings in your underbelly as you peeped through the hole in your fence and secretly watched your neighbours’ wife sunbathing naked!
(I plead guilty on the last one.)
Regardless what is lurking in your imagination, it is safe to say that having sexual kinks and fetishes is as much a part of being human as our like and dislike of different foods. Desire is the fire, and its time to bring back the heat. The real question is: why have you not already shared with your partner your fantasies and tried to live them out? Or why is the thought of revealing your obsession with catwoman embarrassing? As Albert Einstein said, (and he’s a famous intelligent scientist so must be trusted) “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.”
What are your life's coming attractions?
Remember that if you are seriously interested in improving your sex life, it is important that you are completely open and honest to both your lover and yourself about your fantasies, kinks and fetishes. Below are three reasons why this is so.
#1 It helps you to get out of your head and into the moment
When you don’t share your fantasies, chances are they keep you stuck in your head during sex. One characteristic of mediocre sex is fantasizing throughout. Not being present in the moment. This is something you definitely want to avoid. If you are up in your head fantasizing about being choked and ravished, or having naughty sex with your big breasted gym teacher back in the day (yup - my fantasy again), it means you are not present with the person you are actually physically having sex with right there and then. This makes it impossible to fully feel into each other and to connect deeply. It also means that the sex you are having will never be as juicy and mindblowing as it can be. Sharing your fantasies may propel your sex life to a whole new level.
The more you live out your fantasies, the easier it will be to be very present with your lover and to enjoy everything that is happening in the moment. Living out your fantasies will turn you into a very relaxed, sexual being, and can help you in letting go of sexual frustrations and neediness (especially important for you men out there).
Which brings me to the following:
#2 It opens the door to living out your fantasies
Why would you play out the same old fantasies over and over in the confines of your mind, when you could instead live them out in real life? Maybe you think your fantasies are better - and safer hidden away in your head rather than out on the table? As someone who has dedicated himself to living out his own fantasies (and trust me there were many), I can safely say that nothing beats the real deal. I encourage you to not only share aspects of your secrets with your lover, but to be as detailed as you possibly can. A word of warning though. When you attempt to live out your fantasy, you definitely want to try and make it as specific as possible. However, in the end, it is not so much about getting all these specific details 100 percent right (beware of the compulsive “It has to be perfect!” thinking of the mind), rather it is about tapping in this feeling that comes with your fantasy, and releasing (or unleashing) it in the real world.
It is about bringing magic, fun and horniness to your sex life. It is about learning how to honestly share with your lover what turns you on. After that, see if you can make your fantasy a reality through role play, buying and using sex toys, following a BDSM or bondage workshop to learn the ropes (pun intended), taking a girl home together, or whatever your desire is.
So even if it turns out to be too difficult, scary or painful to live out a certain fantasy - just sharing that you have this fantasy is an important step towards experiencing great, juicy and fulfilling sex together.
N.B Living out your fantasies has another big advantage, apart from transforming your sex life to a magical wonderland. When you live our your fantasy, it loses its tight grip on your mind. Because you have now treated yourself to a real bodily experience, you don’t have to waste all this energy anymore on replaying your fantasy in the illusionary arena of your head. Okay, maybe you will discover new fantasies and kinks once you start digging, but now you know how to deal with them :)
#3 It is a key essential for great sex
Great sex for real people means really showing yourself and dropping your defenses. If you want to connect fully and experience fulfilling and mindblowing sex, you cannot keep your mask on. This means allowing yourself to be vulnerable, which can be a very scary thing, and it takes guts to do so.
If you are afraid of how your lover may react, then let him or her see this fear exists in you. What is important is that you show your emotions as they arise. It may sound difficult but if you want to enjoy great sex, you must practice showing everything of yourself. Don’t try to hide it out of fear of being rejected or ridiculed, or because you are afraid to hurt the other persons’ feelings. Try not to worry so much about what your lover may think of you. Let him or her do their own thinking and feeling.
By showing yourself you also open the door for your partner to do the same. It is only then that you can have great sex as you make love to the your partners truest self and vice versa. You do all this and have great fun at the same time.