I often tell men that, in order to nail their lover's secret longing, they have to start venturing outside their comfort zone. They will need to try out new things during sexual play, things that turn them on. While doing this it is important that they closely watch their lover’s (bodily) response to gauge if they are on the right track.

Doing this is, of course, not always that easy to do. In fact, it can be pretty darn difficult and scary. Especially when the things that turn a man on are more of the strange, dark or kinky type (and most of us men and women have these hidden within ourselves :).

The reality is that you, as a man playing the masculine role (which does not always have to be the case), you have to do this to discover what it is that your woman craves for during sex. You will not find out by simply doing what you think she wants you to do. That is pleasing behavior, and not sexy.

If you do touch the right string and nail that secret longing, you will know immediately because it will zap her brain and her body will show it. The sexual energy will skyrocket in 0,5 seconds (and - watch out! - this can push you past the point of no return and make you cum instantly).

When you start on this path of discovery, it is likely you haven’t yet mastered the art of feeling into a woman. I have spoken to - and seen in action! - a lot of men that are too afraid to trust their own horny impulses out of fear of being rejected by her and receiving a ‘no’. Or they try out something new with so much bravado that it freaks out their lover and closes her down instantly.

So let me give you a few tips on how to better your chances of succes:

  • Sit down with your lover and talk about what she likes before having sex.

Of course chances are she will not be able to tell you what her secret longing is. Maybe she doesn’t yet know it herself. Or maybe she is too ashamed, afraid or uncomfortable telling you. But she will may give you a hint of what she likes you to say or do.

  • If you know what you would like to say or do to her, tell her this so you know if she likes it too.

Okay, this could spoil the surprise a little when you get down to the action. But it will give you a good kickstarter during the sexual play, and there will always be enough time (and necessity) to freestyle after that.

  • Ask her what she does NOT want you to say or do. What are her definite no-no’s, where lie her boundaries?

Also in this case she may not be able to tell you exactly, so make sure you ask specific questions especially if you have some edgy sexual play in mind.

It is not so much about what you do, but with what energy and intention you do it with. Your lover wants to feel your uncensored desire for her together with your full masculine presence focused on her. She longs to feel your strength and your decisiveness, she doesn't want the little boy who seeks permission from mommy to do what he wants.

If you succeed in giving her this feeling, and provided you don’t cross her boundaries, she will happily surrender to your lead and change into the horny goddess you want her to be.

Accept that you will fuck up sometimes, which is what masculine vulnerability is all about. This is totally normal when discovering new sexual terrain and learning new skills.

Have a laugh with it, don’t take yourselves to seriously, and keep listening to what your senses and your intuition are telling you. Especially if the sex becomes a little dull or repetitive, it is time to try out some new things in the bedroom.

I would love to hear from you! Guys: what kind of tactics do you use to nail her secret longing? What challenges do you face when trying out new things in the bedroom? And girls: how would you like to have your lover play with you? Let us know by leaving a comment below.