The more you grow as an ultimate lover and the stronger your presence, vulnerability and integrity become, the easier it will be to feel into your partner. But from time to time as is the case in everything in life worth having, we will mess up or make mistakes as we learn the ropes. This is perfectly natural. By seeking and blundering we learn. By denying and wondering we.... don’t. The process has the added benefit of keeping us humble as we continue to grow and develop our sexual skills.
It takes guts and humility to admit mistakes. Admitting we're wrong is courage, not weakness
So what do we do when we make a mistake? We acknowledge and own it. Acknowledging your mistakes is what makes you vulnerable and authentic which are extremely desirable traits in a lover. It is an act of strength. This authenticity will allow your woman to regain her trust in you. Even more so, chances are that she will trust you more than before your hiccup as she sees you are not afraid to acknowledge and act on your mistakes. This will make it easier for her to let go of control as she internalizes that her captain can change course when/if needed.
Don’t feel sorry for your mistakes
The difference between an apology and acknowledgement is massive. You apologize when you do something wrong and are sorry for it. When one becomes apologetic they underline the negative/unwanted aspect of the experience, and freeze both parties in the storyline of what just happened. It takes you both out of the moment, and it can get your minds stuck in the undesirable mishap, the result being that your bodies are actually reliving the experience again. This repetition of the negative is as good to your mojo as an unexpected mother-in-law bursting in mid session.
So what are the common mistakes?
- you try out something new that your lover doesn't like at all
- you hurt your lover because you are playing too rough
- you lost your presence with her
- You say the wrong words which close her down in stead of opening her up
- You get lost in your own feelings thereby missing the signals she is sending
- You don’t recognize the signals highlighting her needs e.g she needs to be comforted and hugged and not approached in a horny way
Ok so you messed up a little and made one of the above mistakes or perhaps something else. The sexual energy inevitably goes down, either a little or a lot depending on the gravity of the situation and on how capable you are to change course quickly. A quick resolution involves a few key steps. To begin with it involves acknowledging that you are not bad person. You are attempting to elevate both you and your partner to dizzying sexual heights and not trying to hurt her so try not to take it too personal if you trip up at points. The more you feel bad about yourself, the more you will pull your lover out of her body and push her back into her head. If you become apologetic (and perhaps even start pleasing), chances are both of you will start to feel bad about the situation.
You are the writer of this story, this moment is yours
Whereby apologizing for mistakes tends to get you stuck in the past and reliving the pain of making the mistake again, acknowledging your mistakes means accepting your mistake in its entirety without feeling bad about it.
Chances are big she will forget about your mistake as quickly as it was made, as long as you stay in charge and show her that you see that you did something that hurt her or closed her down. This will make her feel safe again so that she can relax back into her feminine and let go.
Practical tips and examples: apologizing vs acknowledging your mistakes
- Don’t say “Sorry, sorry, sorry! I did not want to hurt you!” Instead say: “Oh, baby, I can see that I hurt you. We don’t want that. I feel you.”
- Don’t say “Shit, I totally lost you there, I should not have done that.” Instead say: “I lost my presence/my connection with you for a second. But I am back here, now, with you. I see you again, I am here. You are safe.”
- Don’t say “Oops, are you alright? How stupid of me to do this. It won’t happen again, I promise!” Instead say: “Come here, my […], that was not very sensible of me. I got you now.”
(and after this is said, give her a big hug, sweet kiss, touch her tenderly, tell her how beautiful she is or do whatever you feel that she needs from you to feel safe and seen again. Sometimes just holding her gaze and slowing down is enough for her to feel that you know you played it a bit too rough or lost her for a second. After your acknowledgement, continue your sexual play as if nothing happened.)
Something just holding her gaze and slowing down is enough
Save any explanations until afterwards!
Never start explaining why you did what you did either! If you do feel the imperative need to defend your actions (and you should really ask yourself why this is so), try to save your explanations until after the sexual interaction. Explaining things will more often than not be the death blow to your sexual interaction and deflate any built up sexual energy which preceded it.
So how do you know when you made a mistake?
The answer is simple, yet frustrating. Like anything worth having the path to becoming an ultimate lover requires a great deal of honest practice. The more you learn to feel into your woman, the more you develop your presence. The more you embrace vulnerability and integrity, the better you will become at coping when/if you made a mistake. You will see it in her eyes. You will notice it in her bodies movement and how she breathes. You will feel the sudden drop of energy and/or her mood shifting. You will feel her heart closing. In time you will even learn to feel it in the tensing up of your own body.
Many men need to be explicitly told when they mess up which sometimes never comes at all and the woman just endures whatever is occurring. To all women: please, speak up! By really tuning into this area of lovemaking you will invariably build stronger bonds with your lover. So keep working on your presence and staying connected through eye contact and focusing on what your senses are telling you. If you get the feeling that something is wrong but you just can’t place it, it is often better to step up and ask her directly instead of muddling along. However if you do so, be prepared to get feedback you may not want to hear. Taking in as well as giving feedback is an art in itself, but I will leave that subject to another time.
A final tip
Whatever happens during the sexual play, try to always keep it light. What happens between the sheets is a legitimate subject for serious study. But it is also fun.It is vital that in the pursuit of becoming an ultimate lover you do not lose your humor and playfulness. Don’t take yourself too seriously and have fun with it all. Enjoy the journey as you learn the ropes. Life is all about the journey and not the destination. If you mess up, you mess up. Don’t take it too personal, laugh about it, own it and carry on.