I have seen even the most playful and lighthearted people, both men and women, change into robots as soon as they become sexual. Their facial expressions stiffen, body movements become rigid and calculated. People will touch each other without actually feeling the other, just going through the motions, especially when that initial passion of being new lovers fades away. It seems that sex can lose a lot of its silliness, fun and playfulness. Even though many women find a man with a sense of humor a huge turn on (and vice versa!), we don't naturally connect sex with humor. Quite the contrary actually.
During couple sessions, I have even seen partners become offended when there was too much lightheartedness and laughter. For some reason, people like to take sex very seriously. I believe this is because we have been raised in a culture in which there is a lot of shame, guilt and taboo topics when it comes to sex. Even within the sex positive communities, you can see that there is a tendency to make sex serious, and even sacred. To keep the light and playfulness, casualness, and god forbid the silliness and naughty things out of the bedroom.
And this is a massively missed opportunity! Humor and laughter are great ways to feel your body more, to get out of your head and move sexual energy through both you and your partner’s body. Just like deep breathing, relaxing your muscles, making eye contact, slowing down and surprising each other helps us to connect more deeply, so does humor and play. We become more vulnerable. The more we listen to our senses and tune into our bodies and our partner, the more playfulness and silliness will arise in our sexual play.
Our minds tend to need to label and define concepts about sex and how it should be. But if you introduce some play and silliness, the mind can become less active, less overthinking. Of course if you are not used to this, and are conditioned to take sex very seriously, it may not be easy to quickly switch your mindset and sexual behaviors. When we aren't careful and conscious, the mind will create this “not taking yourself to seriously” thing into a new concept and a task to complete. The result of which is that you will be even more in your head and cut off from living in the moment. All of a sudden you are taking this whole not serious thing way too seriously.
So how do you do this? The trick is not to specifically try something but simply to be open and vulnerable to anything. Learn to listen to your senses, and you will also get more in tune with your bodily impulses. Sometimes these impulses may be silly or weird or awkward, and these are exactly the impulses you should follow. Whether it’s licking your partners armpit or tickling them, making weird sounds, giggling, trickling cold water on your partner's body, pinching, biting, whatever it is - follow your impulses. If you are doing things you never actively thought of before, 9 times out of 10 it will help you to connect deeper with your partner and make your sexual play more fresh and exciting. And that is what great sex is all about! The more you let your body do the talking, the more sexual adventures you will embark on. Opening up to millions of ways for new and inventive sexual exploration together. If you are trying to do the same things that you have always done, your sexual play will become repetitive, shallow, boring and very serious. I mean doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results doesn’t really work now, does it?
A good way to tap into the more natural lightheartedness of sex, is to become extremely curious about your partner and how they feel, smell, taste. See yourself as an explorer, as if you were interacting with their body for the very first time. When you do this, it helps to take the focus off yourself and onto your partner, which helps immensely in not taking sex so seriously. I would call this, a kind of outward consciousness meditation.
Another way that helps to take the focus off yourself, is to have goalless sex. Not working towards an orgasm, just learning to relax into sex and enjoy how your bodies interact together. Not needing to get anywhere or accomplish anything, but really enjoying the moment as it is, together with that person. It always surprises me that so many (inexperienced) lovers think that goalless sounds extremely boring, when actually it is one of the keys to mindblowing sex and epic orgasmic states.
So the next time you’re having sex, remind yourself that sex and humor are a great combination, and that there is no need to take yourself too seriously. Follow your impulses and see where they take you, no matter how silly they are. And if you try something that you think would be funny and it doesn't go exactly as you had planned, remind yourself that this is a step forward in not taking yourself too seriously. And laugh about yourself, your body knows better than your mind how to be funny and playful. So be open to anything and exclude nothing.
As a final note, when you are successful in bringing humor into the bedroom (or wherever it is you prefer your sexual play) don’t get too strict about it. Silliness has an important role in amazing sex but being silly all the time isn’t sexy either. Find a balance. Your newfound silliness should not become a strict concept that needs to be repeated over and over in the bedroom, simply because it was successful.
Now, have fun! Go be silly and have great, mind blowing sex.
Taking yourself too seriously is one of ten most common mistakes people make in the bedroom. If you would like to find out what the other nine are, what you can do in stead, and how to transform your sex life, check out our free e-book 'Practical Tantra for Couples'.